ADORE
structured conversation that brings you from anger to gratitude
As parents, we sometimes get upset with our frustrated children. Frustrated children may misbehave, be disrespectful or impatient. We want them to be thoughtful and polite even when they are angry. How can we help our frustrated children to behave with respect and patience?
As a therapist, I have observed anger regulation styles in two types of families: explosive and calm.
In explosive families, children cannot regulate their anger and express it by slamming doors, shouting, or not talking to their parents. These children do not understand how to express their anger; instead of merely feeling a little angry, they feel rage. They associate anger with being unsafe for themselves and others, with being rejected or lonely; they tend to suppress their anger at all costs, until they cannot control it any longer and feel enraged. In these families, the parents have little insight into their own anger and express it mostly non-verbally by raising their voice, being violent, utilizing the silent treatment, or breaking objects. These parents often try to control their children’s frustration by telling them to stop, leaving them in another room, or simply ignoring them.
In calm families, both children and parents notice when they begin to feel a little angry, and they can communicate it verbally. When angry, these children feel safe and cared for; they seek advice and insight from their parents. They associate being angry with healthy disagreement, and they focus on negotiating through those disagreements and voicing their opinions. In these families, the parents understand their own anger and its function and are able to calm themselves down. They listen to their children and show empathy and curiosity about their children’s feelings, remaining calm and nonjudgemental even when their children feel angry.
In calm families, children receive emotional co-regulation from their parents.
Co-regulation means “regulating together.” It teaches children to understand and accept their anger as well as to communicate that anger verbally in a balanced and polite way. Co-regulated children trust their connection with their parents and seek conversation with them when they need co-regulation.
If you would like your children to be calm, polite, and caring even when they are angry, then I highly recommend mastering the co-regulation techniques used by the calm parents I described above. In this guide, I have summarized these techniques as the eight steps of co-regulation. I hope you enjoy reading and start using these steps today. I wish you and your family joy and calm!
When we work with emotions, we often use the metaphor of the sea. Emotions are like waves in the sea; sometimes they are high, sometimes they are low, they come and go, and they take us through ups and downs. When you talk to your frustrated child, imagine her anger as high waves in the sea. Your child is doing her best to not lose herself between the mounting waves. She probably feels overwhelmed, alone, desperate, and helpless. She was not ready for this intense feeling; it came unexpectedly and without warning. She did not know what was happening before the sea of her inner world grew stormy. She can’t see where to go to get out of the storm, or how to keep her head above the water. She probably looks agitated, aggressive, and somewhat scared.
Try to look at your child’s situation with sympathy. When she acts out, it is because she is overwhelmed by the huge waves of her anger, and she is using all available means to signal how big her internal storm is. She shows it with her furrowed brows and clenched teeth, with her desperate fists, raised and harsh voice, tense body posture, fast and powerful movements, with her whining speech, and helpless tears. All these signals have just one purpose: to show you that at this moment, your child is unable to regulate her feelings by herself.
Children act out in anger because they are not able to self-regulate. They do not understand why they feel such intense anger and have no idea how to soothe it.
There is nothing wrong with being unable to self-regulate. We self-regulate our feelings best when we are loved, relaxed, focused, and hopeful, when we are not hungry or thirsty, when there is nothing that upsets or irritates us, and when there is nothing to fear, worry about, or grieve.
Even for adults, the capacity for self-regulation reaches its limit when we are tired, be it physically, mentally, or emotionally. A poor night’s sleep, argument with a partner, hangover after a night out, or breakup with a friend can strain our nervous system and put us in a suboptimal position from which emotionally challenging situations might feel like too much. The situation can feel like it’s bigger than what we can handle. Our emotions might seem more intense than what we can process and navigate graciously. Our self-regulating resources are unable to keep up.
When we are not able to self-regulate, we appreciate co-regulation from friends and family. We call a friend, we get a long, comforting hug from our partner, we visit our parents or siblings. At these moments, we appreciate small gestures of care from colleagues or even strangers. The warm presence of people around us supports us through our bad days. When self-regulation is not enough, we are saved by co-regulation from others!
When we are not able to self-regulate, we can use co-regulation from others.
Humans are social beings, and the capacity to understand and co-regulate with each other is deeply engraved into our systems.
When we are surrounded by other people, our system monitors how these other people are feeling. We might be unaware of it, but we monitor where they’re looking, their facial expressions, how tense their posture is, how they’re speaking, whether their voice is soft and calm or agitated and harsh. We monitor whether their speech is smooth, how deeply they breathe, whether they are moving towards us. And without realizing it, we also imitate those to whom we pay attention. We smile when they smile, we frown when they do, we adjust our posture to match theirs and even imitate their way of breathing and their movements. Even the size of our pupils gets modulated to match the pupil size of those we empathize with.
In other words, we have evolved to be social and to be able to co-regulate each other’s emotions. Through a myriad of non-verbal signals, we understand what our companion is feeling. That means our brains are constantly busy processing not just our own feelings, but also the feelings of those who are important to us. And this is a great resource for co-regulation.
When you recognize your child’s anger, your system imitates some of your child’s non-verbal signs. If you focus on your child’s anger and remain calm and balanced, you send an important message to your child’s system: “I see your anger, but there is nothing to worry about. You’re safe. We will look at this feeling and understand it. This is normal.” When your child sees this, her system simultaneously processes two messages. The first is about her own anger —“We are angry”— and the second is from you —“This is an ordinary feeling. We can stay calm, and we will get through this.” When these two messages are integrated by the child’s system, co-regulation at the non-verbal level occurs.
When a child observes the reaction of an adult, non-verbal co-regulation occurs.
Co-regulating a child’s anger is like offering her a boat that can bring her from her stormy sea back to the shore.
But before offering your co-regulation resource, dare to listen to yourself. Check with yourself about how you feel today and whether you are capable of effectively listening to your child. Check whether it is the right moment and the right place to listen. If you would like to listen, what do you need in order to give time to your child? Maybe you need to eat, focus or meditate a bit, or be heard by someone else first. Can you be comfortable while listening? Can you devote time to your child? Can you be friendly towards your own feelings and sensations?
If you would rather not listen at this moment, be honest with yourself about it. Sometimes we are not ready to swim in a stormy sea, and that’s OK. Our own safety comes first. You may communicate this to your child by saying something like, “I see that you’re very frustrated right now. Unfortunately, I don’t feel like I can support you at this moment. I don’t feel calm enough to guide you. Let me just give you a hug.”
If you would rather let someone else help, that’s OK, too. You may say something like, “I see that you’re very frustrated right now. Unfortunately, I don’t feel like I can support you at this moment. I didn’t sleep well last night, and I might get irritated easily. But I’ll check whether your father (aunt/uncle/granny, etc.) can talk to you.”
Being honest with yourself and not starting a dialogue that might leave both you and your child even more frustrated and exhausted, is good self-care. You do not want to leave two people floundering in the waves of anger.
If you decide to co-regulate the anger of your child, please make sure you can focus and start a dialogue from a place of being calm and curious about your child’s situation.
If you do not want to co-regulate your child’s anger, be honest about it. If you are willing to co-regulate your child’s anger, try to be curious about your child’s situation.
Dare to ask your child to talk about her situation.
Do not immediately ask your child how she feels or why she feels it. Ask first if she would like to find a comfortable place to talk. Ask if she would like something to eat or drink. Ask what she needs to feel comfortable. This non-verbal care matters just as much as the words you might say later. Do not rush; take your time making both you and your child comfortable.
After you’re both comfortable, ask your child about her situation. What is happening now, and what happened before she got angry? Who was there? What was your child doing and what were other people doing? Try to see which sequence of actions, which dialogue, which reaction caused your child’s irritation or anger. Maybe it was the words or actions of somebody else, or maybe it was her own thoughts.
Do not be afraid to ask. Sometimes we’re worried that our questions will make our child even more angry when in reality, our interest and focus just make the child’s anger visible. When your child becomes more agitated, it’s because she now has the chance to present her anger, to express how intense it is.
If the anger intensifies, name it. You may say, “I see that you’re getting more frustrated. This situation has really made you upset.” Show understanding for the feeling.
Do not be afraid to ask your child about her situation.
When your child is responding, check in with what you’re feeling. If you feel pain or sadness, name them for yourself. You can say to yourself something like, “Oh, I feel pain when my child says this” or “That makes me sad.” Your feelings inform you about your own needs; in principle, they do not need to be presented to your child. In the moment, you can write your feelings down along with the words that triggered them, and you can later process them with your partner or a friend.
It might be that while your child is describing the situation, other feelings (such as sadness, pain, or helplessness) accompany the anger. If these feelings arise, name them for your child.
The main purpose of this step is to give your child the space to explore her situation and feelings. If she feels something else, that’s alright, too. If your child suddenly remembers new details of the situation that she didn’t describe before, accept those as well. Sometimes when we’re upset, we remember fragments of events, and once we focus and calm down, we start remembering more details. Please do not try to play detective, and do not confront your child about the new details. Simply take them as extra information. If this new information disturbs you, write it down along with the feelings that arise in you. Writing will give you time to focus and integrate the new facts.
It might be that during the dialogue, your child remembers something she did or didn’t do some time ago that, in some way, is contributing to her current situation. Please do not reprimand her, even if it is something that seems stupid or careless. Just write this information down to integrate it, along with your feelings about it. You may want to give advice later, when your child is less vulnerable and when you are calm enough to talk about it.
Listen to your child and try to imagine what it is like for her to be in her situation.
Show compassion for your child’s situation. Imagine what it was like for her to be in this situation. Your child was doing everything she could do to navigate the situation graciously. And remember that if she knew what made her angry, she would not be this angry right now. She would have simply changed the situation to get what she needed. For some reason, that was not possible. For some reason, your child did not have enough time or safety to understand what she needed in her situation. And that is why she is so upset now.
If you feel compassion for your child’s situation, you may express it by saying something like, “I’m sorry you had to go through this,” “I’m sorry this happened to you,” or “I’m sorry this situation couldn’t be resolved in a better way.”
The main purpose of this step is to help your child feel seen and understood. Her situation was overwhelming for her, and it left her angry. Please keep this idea at the forefront.
Do not judge the situation or your child. Do not put labels on other people or your child. Do not call the situation stupid or bad. Do not minimize the situation, either. Don’t say, “This couldn’t have happened” or “That can’t be true.” Please do not bring your own experience or memories to the dialogue. You can share those later, after your child feels calm and less vulnerable. Similarly, do not tell your child how she should have reacted. You might discuss different strategies later, when your child has integrated her anger.
After offering your compassion, you might pause to listen to your child. You may also ask her if your words touched her in any way.
This step is a combination of asking, listening, and offering compassion to your child. Reflect on your child’s anger and situation and offer your compassion. You may say something like, “I’m so sorry you had to get angry in this situation. I wish this didn’t happen to you” or “I see that this situation made you angry. I am so sorry that you had to feel like that.”
The main purpose of this stage is to let your child see that you understand and accept her anger and her situation, and that you see how difficult it was for your child to get through it. Being understood and accepted creates a very powerful experience for your child. She feels seen; her feelings are validated. Your reflections reassure her that you heard what she said and that you see the reality of it, her reality. When you accept her feelings and situation, you teach your child that she can deal with her situations, and she is resilient enough to feel such strong feelings. When you stay connected with your child, you teach her that her anger does not drive her apart from her loved ones. On the contrary, anger can be a reason to seek love and support from each other.
Here you might pause to see how your child wants to respond. You may also ask her if she would like to say anything. Listen carefully; you might be surprised by the depth of your child's response.
I hope this short guide showed you that acting out of anger is not necessarily a sign of a bad upbringing or a lack of manners. Acting out of anger might be a way to present the intensity of the anger, — a way for the child to signal that she cannot regulate her feelings alone. And that’s OK. Even adults sometimes cannot regulate their feelings by themselves, and children, with their developing nervous systems, are even more dependent on co-regulation from people around them.
Co-regulation demands insight and self-care from the parents. It’s OK not to be able to offer co-regulation sometimes, and it’s great to have a reliable network of people who can co-regulate your child in your place.
Do not be afraid to ask for support and co-regulation from other adults. I hope that Eight steps of Co-regulation will help you and your child feel loved and cared for!
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