Why are we afraid of anger?

Why are afraid of anger? Why do we avoid being angry and believe that anger is something bad, disruptive, and negative?

I guess the reason is in the confusion between anger and aggression. 

When somebody is behaving aggressively, we say “They are angry.” But in fact, when people around us raise their voice, say mean words, cut us out, or pretend to ignore us, they are behaving aggressively. Maybe they are angry, maybe they are feeling something else, but their behavior is aggression.

When we are afraid of our own anger, we are in fact afraid of being aggressive. We do not want to scream, scold, or be mean towards people around us. 

But we do not need to behave this way when we are angry or frustrated.

Anger is a feeling that changes us from within, but it does not dictate how we should behave. 

Aggression is an action, it is how we deal with the world and people around us to get what we want. And its expression depends on our choice.

The problem with anger is that sometimes people get engulfed with their anger so much that they loose the ability to choose how they react. But paradoxically, the more we allow ourselves to feel our anger and frustration in the moment, choosing how to react, the less likely we are to be engulfed by our anger. 

Think of a lid on your cooking pan when you are making spaghetti. If the steam can be let out through a small hole in the lid, you are less likely to burn your hands when  you lift the lid. This is a metaphor for dealing with anger. The more you let your anger be present in your life in small portions, the safer it is for you to deal with yourself and others. 

So if you had bad examples of anger regulation in the past, and you do not want to behave like people around you did, that is great. I am happy that you do not chose aggressive behavior. But remind yourself that you only chose to not act, it does not mean that you need to stop feeling.