What is co-regulation?

We can regulate our emotions by ourselves, which we call self-regulation, and with the help of others, which we call co-regulation. 

What is co-regulation and how does it happen? 

Co-regulation means “regulating together,” it occurs when we are staying in contact with someone who is frustrated or upset. 

Since our organisms are great imitators, our organism imitates the nonverbal signals and thus the emotional state of our upset companion. And this way the we understand what the other is feeling and we are feeling it to some degree too. 

When the we recognize the feeling of the other, give it a name, and, most importantly, remain in contact with ourselves, the co-regulation occurs.

When you focus on your companion’s frustration and remain in contact with your own feelings, you contain her feeling. You feel her frustration but it does not make you upset, does not let you forget who you are and does not engulf you. By containing the feeling, you send an important nonverbal message to your companion: “I see your frustration, but there is nothing to worry about. You’re safe. We will look at this feeling and understand it. This is normal.” 

This way, you let your companion’s nervous system to process two messages. The first is from her own frustration—“We are angry”— and the second is from you —“This is an ordinary feeling. We can stay calm, and we will get through this.” 

When these two messages are recognized and processed by your companion, co-regulation occurs and our companion feel that her frustration becomes smaller and more tolerable.