Why we avoid frustrated people?

Did you notice that you avoid talking to someone who is annoyed or upset? Because we all do! 

And did you notice why you are doing it? The most common answer I hear is that because talking to an irritated or annoyed person makes us angry or annoyed, or maybe helpless and sad. This sad or annoyed person brings us down, does something to us that changes the way we feel. And we find it repulsive.

But how does frustration of another person infiltrate our mood?

In a way this is how we are built as humans. We might be unaware of it, but when we are surrounded by other people, our system monitors how these other people are feeling.

We monitor where the others are looking and tend to follow the direction of their gaze. We notice their facial expressions and micro mimic. For example, someone whom we find very warm and friendly person will have soft gaze, friendly eyes, relaxed cheeks, nose and upper lip. Each part of their face will be participating in conversation or will reflect their ideas or feelings. Or we evaluate how tense their posture is, whether their chest is relaxed, or puffed, or hidden between the shoulders, whether their shoulders are open or slouched. We notice how they are speaking. We note whether their voice is soft and calm or agitated and harsh, we notice whether their vocal cords are tense or relaxed. We monitor whether their speech is smooth and organized. 

Without realizing it, we also imitate those to whom we pay our attention. We smile when they smile, we frown our brows when they do, we adjust our posture to match theirs and even imitate their way of breathing and their movements. Even the size of our pupils changes to match the pupil size of those we interact with!

In other words, we pick up the nonverbal reactions of other people to imitate them and to match their state. But our nervous systems interpret changes in our nonverbal reactions as a change in our feeling.

And this way the feeling of another person becomes our “problem”. We feel what the other are feeling without realizing it and without signing up for it. And the more sensitive the person is, the more of such “problems” they have.

And of course the easiest commonsense way to protect ourselves from such emotional intrusions is just to avoid contact with frustrated people whatsoever. 

It does not mean we cannot stay in contact with frustrated people safely. We can, but it usually requires some awareness and specialized communication instruments, such as Nonviolent communication, ADORE communication, empathic communication, or active listening.